Roberta Dahle, Production Assistant

Suppose to discuss the negative thoughts that run into my head...again something from this possitive living course thingy.
Yea, yea --- I know the concept....
Become aware of your negative thoughts, and then change them into positive ones.

The negative thoughts I've been going through for the past couple of days since finding out on Wednesday that my test for Fuzeon resistence has come back showing that -- yes indeedy, I probably am resistent to Fuzeon.

So -- my thoughts are of just giving up, what's the use. I think alot of it has to do with the initial disappointment and feelings of loss. The loss I feel is that of the final hope I had that I could somehow find myself a viable treatment, become undetectable, and be able to look forward to the next 5-10 years of life, being reasonably healthy. Now I realize that the struggle will continue to be from month to month. So much of my life, and my defiance of my illness has been around being physically fit. Now, can I live with AIDS while having to deal with constant fatigue and limitations. Will I climb other mountains?
Somehow, trying to just turn it all into negative thoughts just doesn't work for me.

I know from all my research about the drugs coming up what the limitations of my life will now be. I'm dealing with the immediate real loss that has happened to me -- and it's important for me to be with that loss honestly and realistically -- to embrace it and hold it, and to include it as part of who I am now, like it or not.
I've always dealt with my illness head on, holding back no punches.
That is how I survive.

Been thinking alot lately about some of the statements I heard Barak Obama make recently on TV.

Our culture values and rewards things like beauty, wealth, celebrity, cleverness. Why can't we equally value being useful?

Only a very few can be famous, but everyone can be great. (MLK)

Last day of my commitment.

I thought I had long ago left behind meaningless things that you only did because you had to.

Again, today we will meet, and again we will have to decide what next weeks goals will be. Last week, a couple of guys talked about working out, another quit smoking, etc. What am I suppose to do?

If there is something more I can do to help me in my fight against AIDS, please tell me, and I will do it.
The only peace I know is in knowing that I've done all I can do, and then make the best of my life as it is.

Going up to McNeil Point will hopefully sustain me for the long Oregon winter. Always having to guard myself against depression which may set in this time of year -- although I never went off the anti-depressant, which I usually do in summer, so maybe this Fall will be better.
Maybe being part of the Health Management Group will help also.

Yesterday, saw Dr. A. Left me a bit depressed most of the day -- maybe because the rains set in on Sunday -- and everyone seems to be a little down now. I was her first patient -- and I asked her what direction I should head. Her response was that did it matter what she thought, since I'd do whatever I liked anyways. She didn't say it attackingly, and obviously something else was going on. OK -- so it turns out she now has 3 teenagers in the house, and I think she was probably saying it more to her 17 year old son, than me.
We're still waiting for the result of my Fuzeon Resistance test to come back -- probably this week. She also said she would present my case to the weekly doctor's meeting they have on Thursday.
We talked about whether to go on TMC-125, or MK-0518. Dr. A didn't feel there wasn't much of a different, especially since the merck drug is so new and may have unknown problems. But my research suggest otherwise. I already have 4 NNRTI mutations, and studies show that for people with that many mutations, there is only a .52 log drop in virus, as opposed to someone without any mutations achieving a 1.6 log drop. That is quite a difference.
Also, found out from Dr. A. that there were only 1000 or so slots available for MK-0518 in expanded access, and if I waited until Kaiser was approved as an expanded access site in January, they would probably all be gone by then. It was recommended that I go ahead and call the other site in town, The Research and Education Group, and get on their list. So, when I go home, I called them, and talked to Toni, and she put me as number 4 on their list.
Now, my concern is that I may have to make a decision to go ahead and take the Intergrase, even if my viral load (which is now 27,000) and t-cells (260) stay stable, when I would prefer and wait until a decline.
Decisions.
I think of the mountain.

I spent Friday night sleeping restlessly, knowing I had to be someplace.
By Saturday morning, I woke up, and started going through the motions, knowing there was someplace I needed to be. I headed up to the Mazama trail. The day started out foggy, but became clearer as I head up the steep trail, not stopping until I came to what I call Robin's picture spot. It took me about 2 hours to get there, and I was dragging from needing nourishment by the time 1 pm rolled around. But, after having my lunch of the BMT sandwich from Subway, I was revived, enjoying the beautiful Fall scenery, especailly the bright crimson's and yellows from the blueberry and huckleberry bushes. After another hour I reached the "summit" of McNeil Point, immediately climbing the high rock (which I used to be afraid to climb), and finding a perfect resting point to perch below the rocks of Mt. hood.
Why to climb?
In the end, I decided the psychological and spiritual damage I was doing to me by not going would be worse than any physical damage I might do by climbing.

Whew.
I really don't want to write, but made a commitment.

Last week, started taking a HIV Health Management Course. Was pretty skeptacal at first. I'm taking it primarily because I was asked by the county to go to Standford and take a course to become a leadership trainer for further courses. I figured that before I started training other course instructors, maybe I should take the course to begin with.
The purpose of the course it to offer managmenet tools, in a support group setting for those dealing with HIV. In my class, there's 6 people with HIV. I was skeptical about the course for myself in that I've had HIV for so long, that I think I'm already doing a good job in managing my illness -- and the idea of "support groups", with their whining and complaining, and wallowing in their illness isn't for me. There is a practical aspect to this course, and of course, I can always learn something new.
One of the lessons of the course is to set weekly goals. My first week I decided to eat an extra helping of vegtable a day. (OK, simple I know...)
For this week, I said I would explore some of the issues concerning my health, in at least four blog entries.
What brought this up is that I woke up in the middle of the night several times the past week -- not really a nightmare, but just going over the limited possibilities of my future. Of course, I know I've been in worse places in the past, but after having been relatively healthy for the past few years, this is a new unwelcomed space to be in.
I'm just concentrating on living each moment -- though this week has had some disappointments in it. I've wanted on several days to go on a strenuous hike up the Mazama trail one more time. I wasn't interested unless I could do the whole 14 miles -- staring again at the side of Mt. Hood. I'm afraid of compromizing my health, knowing that I would probably end up with a feverish feeling for several days after the trip. I know I am bidding my time right now, waiting for some possiblity in the future -- if there even are any good possiblity.
So I'm just been going on the climb in my mind -- but not feeling the same...