ONE STEP AT A TIME

Strangely sad.
Several appointments today. First with Doctor Antoniskis at 10:30. We discussed what had been happening with my treatment and where to go from here. My viral load taken at Kaiser Permanente was 1300, confirming some sort of breakthrough. (My viral load from the study center taken at the same time was 2000).
Dr. A. also thought it was a good idea to go off the study med and go back on my old regemen, and wait for Merck's Integrase to go into expanded access. Maybe Fuseon and Presista havn't been lost yet. Dr. A. reminded me that Fuseon developes resistence quickly, so I guess I can't expect too much, but of course, therein is my hope. Can I even build a viable regimen without Fuseon?
It seems pretty hopeless, but it is what it is.
From talking with Dr. A., I know it's useless to second guess my past decision. The only consulation I have is that I've done the best that I could. And if that is not enough?
The wait begins. And seeing how far and how fast my health declines as I wait for Merck's drug. Will I have enough time?

Afterwards, road my bike over to the study center, the Research and Education group. Got there just in time for my 12 oclock appointment. But some guy who was scheduled for 11 oclock showed up over a half hour late, so they pretty scrubbed my appointment. In my 20 years with HIV, I don't think I've ever forgotten or been late to an appointment. It's ironical that the people who always show up on time get shoved aside. (Some way to build responsibility in people -- punish those who are responsible). Or maybe it was because the other guy was new meat for a study, and I'm just the guy who is withdrawing from the study after failing it, so I'm no longer profitable for the study research center, who only gets paid by the drug company when someone participates?
It's the American way.
So, I'm starting my old regemen tonight.
Two steps back.....and where am I going?